The Anti-Gift List

I know this time of year many people are thinking about gifts - What should I buy my loved ones for Christmas? What do I want for Christmas?

As a selfish singleton, I think about this stuff a lot. But this year I thought I would take a different approach. Why? Well, why not? Instead of making a list of the different kinds of fun goodies others could give me, I thought I would make a list of things that I most definitely do not want for Christmas.

1) A boyfriend husband pillow

Yes, I'm single. Yes, I'd prefer not to be. But having this headless, half-torso, muppet-handed pillow in my bed would be more depressing and disturbing than comforting.

2) A copy of the newly released "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" dvd

Now, this may be a confusing one since many of you know that 1) I love the original "Planet of the Apes" with Charlton Heston and 2) my boyfriend, James Franco, is in this reboot. However, even with these wonderful things, there is a key element to consider - the monkeys {all-over body shiver - ewww!}. I am not so much a fan of monkeys, and so I think it's safe to say that a movie that not only features them {quite realistically, as opposed to Mr. Heston's film}, but also shows how they take over the planet, no thank you.

3) Any black hills gold jewelry

If I have to explain this one to anyone who would be buying me a gift, then I am worried about the state of my current relationships.

4) A kitten

I do not dislike cats. I think they can be very cute. I know that they are very smart. I think in the right circumstances they can be lovely companions. But the last thing I need in my life right now is a pet {or anyone}who has no strong feelings about whether or not I'm around. And with my luck, I'd end up with the one cat who doesn't care if I feed it or not because it's just so utterly annoyed with me.

5) A canister of pepper spray

I am all about being cautious and careful and prepared to defend yourself if needed. But. Let's take into consideration that it would be me using it. How well could I defend myself from an attacker if I've just sprayed myself in the face? Not very well. So for now, it would be best for me to stick with my ninja skills or ability to run away very fast.

Hopefully this list will help as you prepare to shower me with Christmas gifts. And perhaps if you've been good this year, you'll not see any of this under your tree either!

Merry Christmas!